Koda's made it to Week 3

Well, Koda's made it to Week 3 since his cancer diagnosis! He is still acting like himself, but a more slower-paced, sleepier version.

Saturday, July 30 - I think last night was Koda's LAST walkies, in which he can actually walk. He was sitting down twice in front of each house. And then he just started laying down on each lawn to rest. It is so heartbreaking to see that he is no longer strong enough to walk. And just 3 weeks ago, he was walking a 1 mile loop with nary a stop. I can't believe how fast he is degrading.

The reality of his cancer is back in focus again. While we had a good week of him eating and taking his meds, it was easy to think he was ok. But now he is starting to cough more, his breathing is labored - panting rapidly because of his compromised lung capabilities, and he can't do walkies. We've decided to just take him to the park to take in the scenery or sit out on our lawn now. He is having a harder time sitting down now, too. I can start to see a more pained look in his eyes when I really look at his face. I think I'm having a second wave of denial. I don't want to believe that I'm losing my Koda.

Today I went on a trail run and remembered how Koda used to run with me, so strong and full of life that he would be pulling me along. I remember how he'd look back at me, with that doggy grin on his face. He will never run with me again. He will never walk with me again on Wildwood. He has walked the neighborhood loops around our house for the last time. Sniffed the irises and powered up the hills for the last time. Now it seems we are just hanging on, waiting for the next "last times" of other common things - like going up and down the stairs, eating full meals... I know, I should stop. This is just terribly depressing. But if I don't write about it, I think the thoughts will evaporate and soon be lost within the sorrow that no doubt will follow.

Sunday, July 31 - Koda ate well (with positive encouragement), and we figured out a new hold on Koda to give him his liquid meds. More medicine in, less mess. These things are holding steady - status quo. We went to Cook Park again. No walk on the agenda. It was more like a chance for Koda to sit on the grass, sniff the breeze and bushes, and just enjoy being outside. Fly fisherman and dogs caught his attention. But other than that, we has content to almost doze off.

Everyday, I try not to take anything for granted. He can still (barely) make it up the stairs. He still eats all his food. He still wants treats. He still licks his feet clean every night. He can still go out to potty on his own. He is still alert and responds when we call him. He still enjoys affection. I hang onto these realities, that Koda is still with us. But I know his days are numbered and I'm not sure I am strong enough for what's to come.